A question of loyalty?
An Adviser Asks…
Is a monthly column where all members of the Financial Services community are invited to write in to ask for advice on any relational or ‘soft skills’ questions, dilemmas, issues or conflicts playing out in their working lives.
Got a question for Emma? If you’d like to ask for some advice on a dilemma or issue at work, please submit your question anonymously below.
TLDR
A financial adviser and business owner writes in to ‘An Adviser Asks’ looking for advice on what to do about a high-value client who is dismissive and rude to his team. The adviser feels torn between preserving the client relationship and supporting his staff.
In response, Emma encourages courageous leadership through curiosity and connection, not conflict. Rather than choosing sides, the adviser is invited to reframe their role as a leader within a relational dynamic that includes his client, his team and himself. Emma offers suggestions for opening a dialogue with both client and colleagues.
Dear Emotional Finance,
We have a long-standing, high-value client who is warm, charismatic, and very positive about me personally. He’s recommended me to a number of other valuable clients. But the problem is that he’s repeatedly dismissive or rude to my team. It’s mostly subtle: ignoring our receptionist, making undermining comments to junior staff. Nothing explosive, but it is noticeable and it adds up.
He doesn’t seem to realise the impact of his behaviour, and when I gently tried to raise something once, he brushed it off with a joke. My team hasn’t complained directly, but I can tell it’s having an impact on them. And also on how they are with me.
The hard part is I really like him and we’ve become friends. We sometimes play golf together and I’ve been invited along to some of his business events. He’s been generous to the business, and I don’t want to lose the relationship. But I also feel I’m not doing right by my team and I think they are starting to resent me.
I’ve mostly avoided addressing the situation, hoping it would blow over. Or perhaps hoping that he’d realise and change his behavior. But that hasn’t happened and I’m starting to wonder if I need to be more courageous and tackle the situation head on.
My team and my business is obviously more important than this one client and I’d like to think I take my leadership responsibilities seriously.
What should I do?
Yours, caught in the middle.
Dear caught in the middle,
What stands out most in your letter, reflected so clearly in your sign-off, is the feeling of being pulled in two directions. As if you’re standing alone, with your client on one side and your team on the other, and you’re being asked to choose between them.
On one hand, you could stand with your team and confront the issue with your important client and risk losing him. On the other, you could protect the client relationship and risk undermining the values and cohesion of your team.
That is a tough place to be, and I’m imagining it leaves you feeling burdened and alone.
In an attempt to support you, I want first to address your statement that you’ve mostly avoided addressing the situation, hoping it will blow over.
I want to offer a gentle reminder that, of course, avoidance and silence still have a voice. Silence can communicate loudly. To your team, it might shout: “This isn’t mine to deal with.” To your client, it may shout: “I’m not hearing you”.
Secondly, I want to reassure you that taking action doesn’t have to mean conflict or even choosing sides. In fact, it could open the door to a deeper connection and a stronger, more honest relationship on all fronts.
A helpful way into this might be to start with curiosity. Curiosity about your client’s experience, your team’s experience, and your own. Often, the most impactful leadership doesn’t begin with answers but with questions and listening.
You might start a conversation with your client like this:
“I’ve been reflecting on how things are going across the team, and I wanted to check in on how you’re experiencing our service more broadly. Are there places where things aren’t working as well as they should be? I’d love to understand what’s happening from your perspective.”
This opens the space for dialogue, not defensiveness. For listening to understand, not to rebut or defend or minimise.
From there, if it feels right, you might say:
“In part, I ask because I’ve noticed moments where you’ve seemed frustrated, or perhaps a little dismissive with my team. I want to understand what might be behind that, because I care that you feel well supported, and also because the culture here really matters to me, and I want my team to feel valued and empowered to do their best work.”
Of course, it’s important that you find your own words. Find a way to express this sentiment in a way that feels natural and authentic to you. I encourage you to practice a couple of times first. With a peer, a friend or family member, or even in the mirror.
This is not about criticism. It’s about connection, curiosity and care (all the c’s). It establishes the conditions upon which trust can be laid and maintained, demonstrating benevolence, integrity, transparency and relational competence and courage. And it shows a style of leadership and service provision that is collaborative and co-created.
As well as speaking with your client, I encourage you to speak to your team with all the c’s above. Give them an opportunity to speak out about their thinking and their feelings. Resentment can flourish more easily in silence.
It might help you to use a visual image to support you. Instead of you being in the middle, with your client on one side and your team on the other, you might see yourself in a huddle. Not outside it as a referee. Or inside it as a target. But together, as part of the whole.
Because you are not standing alone on the outside, needing to choose a side here. Rather, you all stand together, each with a role in this relational dynamic. You, of course, are very much part of this whole, faced with an opportunity to lead from within.
Warmly,
Emma @ Emotional Finance.
Got a question for Emma? If you’d like to ask for some advice on a dilemma or issue at work, please submit your question anonymously below.