Waking Up On Groundhog Day
An Adviser Asks…
Is an agony-aunt style column where all members of the Financial Services community are invited to write in to ask for advice on any relational or ‘soft skills’ questions, dilemmas, issues or conflicts playing out in their working lives.
Got a question for Emma? If you’d like to ask for some advice on a dilemma or issue at work, please submit your question anonymously below.
TLDR
In this An Adviser Asks, an adviser writes in about clients who’ve talked for six years about inheriting a son - but never change their wills. He feels like he is constantly nagging and wonders if he should just drop it or perhaps disengage them.
Emma responds by encouraging a more human and empathic response to the clients’ ambivalence and vulnerability. She invites the adviser to let go of pushing for action and instead hold a firmer yet compassionate boundary.
Dear Emotional Finance,
I have a longstanding client couple who keep telling me they don't want their eldest child to inherit from their estate. They say essentially that he is an addict who has treated them very badly over the years and even historically stolen money from them.
The problem is that their wills do not reflect these wishes and whilst each time we meet they state they plan to disinherit him, they never do it. This has been going on for approximately 6 years. I've reminded them regularly, I ask them directly why they haven't acted and I've also referred them to a recommended solicitor who they never met, despite saying they would.
I'm incredibly frustrated and feel like I'm nagging them all the time. I also worry that all my hard work with them will end up being for nothing and I'm confused what to do about it. Colleagues either say I should just leave it because 'you can only take a horse to water' or that I should disengage them unless they sort it out.
Yours, Waking Up On Groundhog Day
Dear Waking up on groundhog day,
I can hear your frustration and see how hard you're working to make sure action is taken and they achieve the outcome they say they want. You're holding them accountable, referring them to lawyers who can help, and remaining committed to working in their best interests. It's really clear that you want the best for them.
I want to offer three perspectives for you to consider.
First, the humanity of the situation.
Your letter focuses on the action and the outcome - but of course disinheriting a child is never just a technical step. I invite you to imagine what it must be like to even contemplate doing it. Your clients will be simultaneously thinking of their son as he is now, and remembering moments in his childhood when he cried for comfort in the night or held their hand on the walk to school.
Now imagine the mix of emotions at play: shame, despair, disappointment, fear, hope, guilt, loyalty, love. And consider the dynamics between the couple themselves. Perhaps one is more resolved, the other less willing to let go of hope and redemption. Maybe they discuss it together, maybe they don't.
From this perspective, I wonder if you can recognise your clients' vulnerability? That they may have additional needs beyond the simply technical advice which would help them avoid poor outcomes? Perhaps you may be able to feel a little more empathy and a little less frustration? If so, this will help you build a stronger and more allied relationship with them and likely mean better outcomes.
Second, the role you've taken on.
Right now, you seem to be pushing harder for this disinheritance than your clients are. That's a heavy responsibility, taken on with the best of intentions. What if, instead of pushing for the action, you stepped back from being the change agent and leaned into being a benevolent ally who is curious about what is really going on?
That might sound something like this:
"Each time we meet you say you want to disinherit [name]. Can you help me understand what happens for you after our meetings? I want to make sure the plan we create together reflects your reality and ensures the best outcomes possible in your current situation."
Notice how this shifts the focus from action to understanding and invites honesty without blame or judgement.
Third, your responsibility and your own boundary.
Your role is not to fix your clients' ambivalence or to enforce action. Neither is it to be their therapist.
Your role, as a financial professional, is to make recommendations which are meaningful and actionable and based on a shared understanding of their current circumstances.
But of course, you can only make yourself available for that, and if your clients aren't able to 'go there' with you, then I invite you to focus on:
Keeping the risks visible in your ongoing conversations
Documenting your advice clearly, including the consequences of acting and not acting
Signposting support if relevant - whether legal, therapeutic or otherwise
Managing your own boundary with compassion so that over-responsibility or frustration doesn't erode trust or cloud the relationship between you.
That might sound something like:
"I've made my recommendations based on my current understanding of the situation and I have outlined the risks as I see them. The decisions you make are yours to action of course. If you would like to revisit this in the future, or if circumstances change, I'll be here to support you."
With this approach you are finding a third way - neither endlessly nagging nor walking away.
Instead you'll be supporting your clients both from a technical and a human angle, with compassion and care but also with a clear boundary. You'll also be fulfilling your Consumer Duty obligations by acting proactively to identify and understand your clients' circumstances which make them vulnerable to poor outcomes. This meets the regulatory requirement whilst maintaining the trust and humanity essential to your relationship.
A final thought.
Sometimes our clients aren't ready for the plans we know would serve them best. That doesn't mean you've failed or that your work has been for nothing. Every conversation you've had, every gentle reminder, every referral offered - these have all kept the door open. Your clients know where you stand. They know you care. And they know that when they are ready, you'll be there to help them take that step.
In the meantime, you're modelling something important: that good financial planning isn't just about the numbers and the documents, but about accompanying people through the messy, human reality of their lives. That is never wasted effort.
Your frustration is understandable, but it may be time to trust the process and yourself - and trust your clients to find their way in their own time. You've done your job well. Now give yourself permission to let go of what you cannot control.
Warmly,
Emma at Emotional Finance
Got a question for Emma? If you’d like to ask for some advice on a dilemma or issue at work, please submit your question anonymously below.