Frayed at the Edges
An Adviser Asks…
Is an agony-aunt style column where anyone in the financial services world can write in with questions about the human side of their work — the tricky conversations, the soft-skills stuff, the relationship dilemmas that don’t fit neatly into a textbook.
Got a question for Emma? If you’d like to ask for some advice on a dilemma or issue at work, please submit your question anonymously below.
TLDR
In this An Adviser Asks, an adviser writes in about a client who constantly oversteps - late night messages, weekend texts, last minute cancellations and relentless questioning. He’s drained, fed up, and wondering if he should simply sack him.
Emma responds by reframing the issue as a hidden relational pattern the two of them have co-created. She encourages the adviser to get curious about his own difficulty holding boundaries, to gently name the dynamic with the client, and to co-create clearer expectations. If that works the relationship resets, if not - he can step away with clarity rather than resentment.
Dear Emotional Finance,
I have a client who is really starting to push my buttons.
They message me late at night with questions, send non-urgent texts at weekends, cancel meetings at the last minute and generally seem to think I’m available whenever they want me. On top of that, they constantly question my recommendations, reply with grammatical corrections, and our meetings often feel like the Spanish Inquisition.
I’m finding it draining, disrespectful and frankly quite rude. I’m fed up with being treated like I’m on call 24/7 and like I’m never quite trusted the first time I say something.
I’m not sure if I should just sack them? I’m not great with confrontation at the best of times, and this particular client is quite fiery, so I’m worried it could get a bit nasty. But this has been going on for too long and I’ve run out of patience and energy.
Yours, Frayed at the Edges
Dear Frayed At The Edges,,
What you’re describing sounds utterly draining. I can really picture you trying to relax with one eye on your phone, never quite switching off, always waiting for the next ping. Of course you’re exhausted. Anyone would be.
But before we jump to the idea of ending things with this client, let’s just pause and look at what’s actually going on here. Because this isn’t simply “a difficult client behaving badly.” It’s a pattern the two of you have slipped into together - a kind of dance you’re both doing, even if neither of you has said so out loud.
At the moment, it looks like this:
They reach for more access, more certainty, more of your time.
You feel more drained, frustrated and depleted.
And the two of you carry on as though this is normal.
It isn’t.
And importantly, it isn’t set in stone.
Relational intelligence is really just about noticing what happens in the space between you. And the space between you and this client is currently full of tension, unspoken needs, and a lot of guessing. When a pattern like this stays hidden, it tends to get louder, not quieter. Naming it gently is how we start to shift it.
From your perspective, the most visible part of this pattern is your client’s constant demands. So of course you feel defensive and resentful. That makes complete sense. And at the same time, you’re still responding to late-night messages, still rearranging things at short notice, still tolerating behaviour that crosses your own boundaries.
Let’s not beat you up for that. You’re human. We all do versions of this.
But it is useful to get curious about why.
Before we can change anything, it’s worth asking yourself:
Do I secretly believe that good service means being endlessly available?
Do I find it very uncomfortable to say no or disappoint someone?
Or is there something about this particular client that stirs something old in me — a pattern I know from elsewhere?
These aren’t easy questions, but they matter. Because once you understand your own side of the pattern, you have more power to shift it.
And your client has a side too. Remember that money is never just money. It’s tied to feelings of safety, control, shame, hope and identity. When clients become demanding or controlling, there is very often fear underneath. Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of losing something important. Fear of trusting someone else.
This isn’t about excusing their behaviour. It’s about understanding the emotional logic of it.
And here’s the important part: the two of you have created this dynamic together. That’s not blame. That’s actually good news because it means you both have influence.
So what might help?
Start with honesty. Not confrontation. Not drama. Just honesty and curiosity.
You could say something like:
“I’ve noticed we’ve slipped into a bit of a pattern - late messages, last-minute changes, lots of double-checking - and I’m not sure it’s working well for either of us. I’d really like to understand what it’s been like on your side.”
This opens a door. You’re not accusing them. You’re simply naming the thing that has been sitting silently between you.
Then, after you’ve listened (really listened), you can own your part:
“I realise I haven’t been clear enough about my availability or my working practices, and I think that may have created expectations I can’t actually meet. That’s on me. I’d love for us to find a way of working that feels fair and comfortable for both of us. Could we talk about what that might look like?”
Boundaries, when they’re done this way, aren’t punishments. They’re the structure that keeps the relationship safe. They make everything clearer and calmer for both people.
If you try this together and it works, brilliant - you repair the relationship rather than rupture it.
And if it doesn’t work, or if they can’t meet you in that space, then you have your answer. You can step away with clarity instead of resentment.
You don’t have to keep living with the alarm clock beside your bed. But before you throw it across the room, see if the two of you can quietly reach over and turn it off together.
Warmly,
Emma at Emotional Finance
Got a question for Emma? If you’d like to ask for some advice on a dilemma or issue at work, please submit your question anonymously below.