Rabbit in the Headlights
An Adviser Asks…
Is an agony-aunt style column where all members of the Financial Services community are invited to write in to ask for advice on any relational or ‘soft skills’ questions, dilemmas, issues or conflicts playing out in their working lives.
Got a question for Emma? If you’d like to ask for some advice on a dilemma or issue at work, please submit your question anonymously below.
TLDR
An early career adviser writes in to An Adviser Asks after freezing during a client meeting when the conversation turned emotional. They worry if they’ll ever be a successful adviser if they respond like that.
In response, Emma shares why this kind of freeze response is entirely normal, and what it means about their capacity for empathy. She offers a simple ‘first aid’ approach for navigating emotional moments in client work.
Dear Emotional Finance,
I'm relatively new to advising and was recently given the opportunity to lead a client review meeting with one of our long-standing clients. My senior colleague was also there, but I was fronting the meeting.
About halfway through, the client became visibly upset while updating us on her recent divorce and the complexity of the financial implications she was facing. I hadn’t realised how raw it still was for her. I completely froze.
I didn’t know what to say. My mind went blank and I felt like a rabbit in the headlights. I couldn’t even remember what was on the agenda. Thankfully, my colleague stepped in and picked things up, but I barely spoke again for the rest of the meeting. I just didn’t know how to get back into the conversation.
Afterwards, my colleague was very kind about it and just said, "You'll get used to it", but I was so embarrassed.
I keep going over it in my head and wondering what is wrong with me? What if I freeze again next time a client gets upset? How do you know what to do or say when a client cries? Will I ever be a successful adviser if I respond like that?
Sincerely,
Rabbit in the Headlights
Dear Rabbit in the Headlights,
Firstly, I want to reassure you that what you experienced wasn’t a failure or a flaw on your part. It was your nervous system doing exactly what it’s designed to do.
When your client became distressed, you picked up on that, and your mirror neurons fired. These are the same brain cells that make you thirsty when you see someone else drink water, or smile when someone smiles at you.
Distress is contagious, and in this case, you quite literally caught your client’s upset. Freezing - feeling like a rabbit in the headlights, losing your capacity to think, your mind going blank - is a normal and perfectly understandable response. It’s not a professional inadequacy, and it says nothing about your potential or your future success as an adviser.
In fact, your reaction tells me something important: you're capable of real empathy.
And now, I think the work you could do is around learning how to support yourself in those moments so that your empathy becomes a strength you can use to build trust, connection and shared understanding, rather than something that overwhelms or paralyses you.
For context, you’re far from alone here. I work with financial professionals at every stage of their careers who find this tricky and feel out of their depth when faced with moments like these. That’s completely unsurprising when we consider that navigating client emotions is not attended to as part of the professional training in financial services. In my opinion this does both financial professionals and their clients a huge disservice.
So with that in mind, I commend your willingness to ask for support. You're not brushing this off. You're not pretending it doesn’t matter. You're staying open and curious - qualities that will serve you incredibly well going forward. That willingness to reflect, to look inward, to acknowledge you are out of your depth and seek guidance is a mark of a great adviser in the making.
But at the same time, Rabbit in the Headlights, you can’t do this work alone. It’s relational by nature and it can’t be mastered by reading a textbook. What you need is a safe, supportive space where you can explore and reflect on what it’s like to feel dysregulated, to try out different ways of responding, to be a bit clumsy, to get it wrong - while the stakes are low. That’s how you build the confidence and capacity to meet these moments well when they really matter.
That support might come from a wise colleague, a thoughtful peer, or through a dedicated training. You might want to consider my Emotional Finance Programme, which is designed to build precisely this kind of relational confidence.
But in the meantime, I want to offer you a simple, practical strategy - a kind of first aid for when a moment like this arises again:
Firstly, Steady Yourself.
Before you try to respond, prioritise regulating your own nervous system.
You might try:
Feeling your feet on the floor or your bottom in the chair
Exhaling longer than you inhale
Softening your shoulders or releasing tension in your body
Making gentle eye contact, offering a warm smile
Speaking slowly and softly as if your client has just woken up
These small intentional actions will help you feel grounded and present, and help you regain access to your thinking. And the wonderful thing is: as you do this, your client will begin to steady too because of the same mirror neurons that had you freezing in the first place.
Secondly, connect.
Once you’re more present, the next step is connection.
Clients who become emotional in meetings will often feel they’ve broken some unspoken rule. They may apologise, feel embarrassed, or try to brush it off. That’s shame and the feeling of isolation it engenders.
In psychotherapy, we say the antidote to shame is connection. So instead of moving away, or brushing over what’s happened, gently lean in. Let them know their feelings are welcome. Your presence and your empathy will do more for securing good outcomes through building a shared understanding and connection with your client, than any technical solution.
Thirdly, Collaborate.
Resist the urge to dive straight back into your agenda. Instead, share the responsibility for what comes next.
You might ask:
“Would you like to carry on?”
“Would it help to pause and come back to this another time?”
“What feels possible for you right now?”
You’ll be adopting an attitude that sees your client’s emotions not as a derailment, but rather an opportunity to build trust and to co-create the path forward. It’s an attitude which shows your client that their feelings aren’t to be avoided but rather shared to help you understand their lived experience, and as a result offer aligned and meaningful advice.
This isn’t easy work, Rabbit in the Headlights. We have to embrace the uncertainty and our vulnerability in these moments that happen in the space in-between you and your clients. But whilst they can’t be scripted, they can be intentionally prepared for and practised.
A good place to start might be simply noticing your own emotional responses in meetings this week. Awareness is the first step. And please know that my inbox is open if you want to follow up with me.
You’re already doing more than you think.
Warmly,
Emma at Emotional Finance
Got a question for Emma? If you’d like to ask for some advice on a dilemma or issue at work, please submit your question anonymously below.